I’ve wanted to write this
blog post for a while now. For those of you who are familiar with the comfort
and convenience (and smell) of taking a MetroRail train, this will strike a
particular chord within your poor, poor soul. Without further ado:
1. Beggar Chicken: Although not strictly an activity for when you’re on the train, this game can be a lot of fun while on your way to
the station. And when I say ‘a lot of fun’, I mean extremely infuriating.
Observe the following
diagram:
Game Rules:
Try make it inside the
station and to your platform without being approached by a beggar. If you
manage to make it inside without a single encounter, bonus points to you. If
you give in and hand out your money, you lose. Hard.
Tips:
Here are a few tips to
help you master the game – NAY, art –
of beggar dodging.
- Don’t make eye contact.
- Don’t carry anything that
may lead the beggar army to think you possess money on your body i.e. Keep your
phone hidden, don’t carry a bag, avoid shoes.
- If possible, rip all of
your clothes before attempting to cross the courtyard.
- Be invisible.
2. Buy Socks:
Cape Town station is, without a doubt, the leading socks retailer in the
country - with over a thousand
hawkers offering the finest wears for your inner shoe needs. At just under
R2.00 a pair, buying socks at the station will leave you with just enough money
in your wallet to afford the industrial cleaner you’ll require to ensure you
don’t pick up any bacterial/viral/fungal infections.
3. Platform Hopping: Whether you like it or not, if you take the train
to or from Cape Town, sooner or later you’re going to take part in a game of
Platform Hopping. This game – misleadingly named – is kind of like a hybrid of
the 100-meter sprint and shopping during the Christmas season.
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| Stampede! |
Game Rules:
At any stage during your
train station experience, the intercom at the station is liable to change your
regular train to depart from another platform. When this happens, you must run
as fast as you can – without being trampled – to the corresponding platform in
time to NOT get cut in half by the automated doors.
Tips:
They say prevention is the
best cure. Or do they? I can’t remember. Anyway, try to anticipate the platform
hop before it becomes apparent to your fellow racers. Look for signs like your
regular train’s lights being off. Take note of whether or not the driver is in
his station. These are usually sure signs that your regular train is fucked,
and that MetroRail are planning a last minute Platform Hop Match.
- Wear
running shoes.
- Run
directly behind the slightly larger women in order to increase aerodynamics –
but remember to veer off before reaching your target. You might end up having
to sit next to/under them once on the train.
4. Sleep: Sleeping
is – by far – the most popular on-train activity. This may be due to a number
of reasons. Maybe it’s the steady rhythm of the tracks underneath your feet
that puts your brain into a natural groove and incites vivid dreams of street
crime and Nik Naks.
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| Note: picture may appear better than reality. |
Tips:
You may think ‘I’ve been
doing the sleep thing my entire life – I don’t need tips on how to doze’ but
you are WRONG. You need these tips.
- Train yourself to awaken
at every stop, even if it’s only a half open eye to see where you are. Trust
me, waking up to find yourself in Wellington Station at 21:00 is not fun.
- Sleep with an iron grip on
your belongings. Bitches be stealing.
- Wear sunglasses so other
passengers can’t tell if you’re awake or not. This is useful to deter potential
criminals.
5. Troll: When
on the train, you’ll experience a number of occasions that are pure trolling gold. A good example is the overly
religious preacher that frequents the train in the early mornings. This guy
loves Jesus, but he loves shouting about it even
more. And I don’t know about you, but
7am is not exactly ideal for being on the receiving end of a screaming
preacher. Get your troll on.
6. Play Train Drums: This is an activity I engage in quite often.
Because the train creates a steady rhythm as it moves between stations, it
lends itself out as the perfect
jamming buddy. Try incorporating syncopated grooves with the train’s constant
‘chug ku-chung’ variation. For the advanced Train Drummers, try a different
rhythm at every successive station. This will greatly improve your endurance
and creativity – as well as piss off your entire carriage.
At the end of the day,
what matters is that you reach your destination on time and in one piece.
Coincidentally, when this does happen,
it’s usually the end of the day already. But having fun is contagious; spread this post with your train friends and let's all make light of the extremely
half-assed public transportation service we endure on a daily basis.
Got any train games of
your own? Leave them in the comments section below and I’ll include them in the
next edition.
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