10 Things To Do On Women's Day

The title of this post might seem a bit misleading, as it isn't really 10 things to do on Women's Day so much as 5 things to do on Women's Day for women, and 5 things to do on Women's Day for men... Unless you're both of the above, in which case, well done. So let's get this show on the road shall we? Oh! Before I start, thanks @ShellsPemBroke for inspiring me to write this post. You're a Woman of the people! So here goes...

Things to do on Women's Day for women:

1. Give thanks - Just because you're a woman, it doesn't mean you're the only woman in the world. It's International Women's Day. Send your mom a nice long email; you have plenty of time. Visit your grandmother with a box of chocolates (or a bottle of wine depending on how much she likes to/is still able to party). Take your daughter to lunch. Call up your lady friends and arrange a girls' night out. Capture it all on film.
2. Don't give thanks - And by this, I mean, take the opportunity to speak up about something that you disagree with. Not that you shouldn't be doing this already - but make a point of it, woman! Is there a guy at work constantly slapping your ass and/or making disgusting attempts at sexual innuendos? Kick him anywhere between the shins and balls depending on the severity of his offenses. Do you suffer from a serial stalker who posts slimy comments on your Facebook photos? Delete him as a friend, but only after taking a screenshot and mailing it to his wife. After all, it's Women's Day for her too.
3. Eat ALL the food - Seriously, don't think twice before devouring that chocolate donut sandwich and side-order of entire chickens. The world is your oyster, so f**king eat it. Forget about stuff like calories and carbs, they're just words anyway. Have your cake AND eat it. You can starve yourself and lament in front of the mirror any of the other 364 days in the year.
4. Watch chick flicks - Go on a date and watch Girl In Progress or What To Expect When You're Expecting or whatever the hell you people enjoy. The point is not to force a guy to watch a chick flick, it's to force a guy to watch what YOU want to watch - so if you happen to choose The Dark Knight of The Dictator, then bonus lady points for you.
5. Support a cause - Let's face it. Women's Day isn't just about acknowledging the fact that you're a woman. You've known that since you came out of that other woman. Support a cause; make a donation, volunteer locally. Help out rape victims at your local Choices or whatever. Act on what is closest to your heart.

Things to do on Women's Day for men:

1. A woman - This should seem obvious, but I'll say it anyway. Give a woman some loving. Of course, make sure it's consensual, or you might fall victim to above point number 2 (or worse). Make it romantic too; none of this quickie bullshit. I'm talking scented candles, mood music and sensual lighting. Do it.
2. Give chocolate - Give a woman chocolate. Everyone likes chocolate. If they don't, not only are they not a woman, they aren't even a human. Send them back on the next Curiosity Rover. To return to my original point though: as Forrest Gump once said "Life is like a box of chocolates; you've gotta give it to a woman". Or something.
3. Show some respec' - Maybe chivalry is dead. Maybe it isn't. Regardless. Open the car door for a lady. Give her right of way when walking through a door. Maybe you think this is lame but it isn't. Chicks dig that shit, and if the girl you're with doesn't dig it, then you probably shouldn't be with her in the first place.
4. Hold your tongue - I realise that it's now considered almost normal practice to refer to the fairer sex as bitches, chicks, broads, betties and a variety of similar synonyms. I do it. In fact I did it in the paragraph above (luckily I wrote this post yesterday) - but just for today, when you're about to say one of the above words, substitute it with a more appropriate, gentlemanly one.
5. Support a cause - That's right. This one is for you too. In fact, it is especially so. Donate money, lend a hand or help your lady out at the shelter. Whatever you do, do it for the women, man! It's just one day. After that you can go on gargling beer, ordering for more sandwiches and watching Olympics while your girlfriend vacuums the entire house and cries. Jokes.

Okay, have fun. Bye!

Monday Inspiration: Think Outside The Box

First, watch the video below...

Pretty cool right? Now, to be honest, the stop-motion clip above has little to nothing to do with the point of this post, but think of it as an extended metaphor for thinking outside the box. I digress. I often find myself stuck in a state of mental block; wandering aimlessly, mumbling random phrases until I find something that works for whatever I may be doing at the time. Lately, I've been trying to kick-start my brain into thinking differently by experimenting with a few things. I've found that the tips below can trick your mind into tackling a problem in a new (sometimes more effective) way - often forcing you to rethink an entire situation. So here they are, in no particular order.

• Say YES to random
  Stop what you're doing. Look at something else. Take a walk with someone. Make tea instead of coffee. Break a habit for a while. Do something you wouldn't normally do. Surprise yourself.
• Get a kid's opinion
  Often, a child will cut straight to the heart of a problem because they're not really too focused on the details. I don't believe that kids have some unspoken wisdom that adults slowly lose as they become conditioned by external influences, but I think kids will always offer some kind of fresh insight.
• Do it in reverse
  What is your goal? Fantastic. Now use that as a starting point and work backwards until you've reached where you are now. It's actually harder than it sounds, but it's like jogging for your brain. If you play guitar and have ever tried playing the other way around, you'll notice that you have to rethink the shape of every chord and strumming pattern. It's the same with any other activity.
• Doodle
  It doesn't have to be a masterpiece. Just doodle something. Get your thoughts out on paper so you can make room for some new ones. (Also, I've got a great drawing-related post coming up later this week, so keep an eye out for that).
• Think in terms of another industry
  Reading up on the best practices and processes of another industry can often lead to helpful insights that might apply to your own line of work. As the saying goes, there is more than one way to skin a cat, so if your job is skinning cats for a living, you've got your work cut out for you. Lastly...
• Take a shower
  This is my favourite one, and it totally works. The shower is a beautiful place. Just you, your thoughts and your naked body trapped inside a cubicle while your dirt is washed away by jets of water. It's probably the purist thing we can do as humans and often leads to great ideas (like a luminous shower head that changes colour according to the temperature of the water!).

Well, I hope this has helped... or at least taken your mind off work for a while. Go now, and vanquish this week!

6 Things To Do On A MetroRail Train Ride

I’ve wanted to write this blog post for a while now. For those of you who are familiar with the comfort and convenience (and smell) of taking a MetroRail train, this will strike a particular chord within your poor, poor soul. Without further ado:

1. Beggar Chicken: Although not strictly an activity for when you’re on the train, this game can be a lot of fun while on your way to the station. And when I say ‘a lot of fun’, I mean extremely infuriating.

Observe the following diagram:

Game Rules:

Try make it inside the station and to your platform without being approached by a beggar. If you manage to make it inside without a single encounter, bonus points to you. If you give in and hand out your money, you lose. Hard.

Tips:

Here are a few tips to help you master the game – NAY, art – of beggar dodging. 

• Don’t make eye contact.
• Don’t carry anything that may lead the beggar army to think you possess money on your body i.e. Keep your phone hidden, don’t carry a bag, avoid shoes.
• If possible, rip all of your clothes before attempting to cross the courtyard.
• Be invisible. 

2. Buy Socks: Cape Town station is, without a doubt, the leading socks retailer in the country - with over a thousand hawkers offering the finest wears for your inner shoe needs. At just under R2.00 a pair, buying socks at the station will leave you with just enough money in your wallet to afford the industrial cleaner you’ll require to ensure you don’t pick up any bacterial/viral/fungal infections.

3. Platform Hopping: Whether you like it or not, if you take the train to or from Cape Town, sooner or later you’re going to take part in a game of Platform Hopping. This game – misleadingly named – is kind of like a hybrid of the 100-meter sprint and shopping during the Christmas season.

Stampede! 

Game Rules:

At any stage during your train station experience, the intercom at the station is liable to change your regular train to depart from another platform. When this happens, you must run as fast as you can – without being trampled – to the corresponding platform in time to NOT get cut in half by the automated doors.

Tips:

They say prevention is the best cure. Or do they? I can’t remember. Anyway, try to anticipate the platform hop before it becomes apparent to your fellow racers. Look for signs like your regular train’s lights being off. Take note of whether or not the driver is in his station. These are usually sure signs that your regular train is fucked, and that MetroRail are planning a last minute Platform Hop Match.

• Wear running shoes.
• Run directly behind the slightly larger women in order to increase aerodynamics – but remember to veer off before reaching your target. You might end up having to sit next to/under them once on the train.

4. Sleep: Sleeping is – by far – the most popular on-train activity. This may be due to a number of reasons. Maybe it’s the steady rhythm of the tracks underneath your feet that puts your brain into a natural groove and incites vivid dreams of street crime and Nik Naks.

Note: picture may appear better than reality.

Tips:

You may think ‘I’ve been doing the sleep thing my entire life – I don’t need tips on how to doze’ but you are WRONG. You need these tips. 

• Train yourself to awaken at every stop, even if it’s only a half open eye to see where you are. Trust me, waking up to find yourself in Wellington Station at 21:00 is not fun.
• Sleep with an iron grip on your belongings. Bitches be stealing.
• Wear sunglasses so other passengers can’t tell if you’re awake or not. This is useful to deter potential criminals. 

5. Troll: When on the train, you’ll experience a number of occasions that are pure trolling gold. A good example is the overly religious preacher that frequents the train in the early mornings. This guy loves Jesus, but he loves shouting about it even more. And I don’t know about you, but 7am is not exactly ideal for being on the receiving end of a screaming preacher. Get your troll on.

6. Play Train Drums: This is an activity I engage in quite often. Because the train creates a steady rhythm as it moves between stations, it lends itself out as the perfect jamming buddy. Try incorporating syncopated grooves with the train’s constant ‘chug ku-chung’ variation. For the advanced Train Drummers, try a different rhythm at every successive station. This will greatly improve your endurance and creativity – as well as piss off your entire carriage.

At the end of the day, what matters is that you reach your destination on time and in one piece. Coincidentally, when this does happen, it’s usually the end of the day already. But having fun is contagious; spread this post with your train friends and let's all make light of the extremely half-assed public transportation service we endure on a daily basis.

Got any train games of your own? Leave them in the comments section below and I’ll include them in the next edition.